Safewords (Controversial!)

Here's the post I put on Fetlife recently which invited the enormous ire and unhinged anger of the "BDSM Thought Police", a new species of intolerant wokester who sadly seem to have infected our community just like they have so many others.

So first off, what follows is MY OPINION, terms I use such as "subspace" are I accept subjective, what I consider to be true subspace may differ from your definition.

Most importantly, the play I'm describing is NOT FOR NEWBIES, it is an advanced form of BDSM which is probably best left to people with a good few years of experience under their belt. If I seem to suggest safewords have no place in BDSM I'm referring to their place in MY BDSM. I fully accept they have their place, that many people love them and consider them mandatory but my point is that those of us who don't like or use them are not the dangerous psychopaths we're too often derided as, like I was rapidly painted to be recently, but have very solid reasons for disliking them, and that they're not the guarantee of safe play people think they are anyway.

So why don't I like them? Principally my objection is that they obstruct full power transfer and hence sabotage the authenticity of a scene. If the sub can tell the dom to slow down, or stop for a moment because they're struggling, they are ultimately controlling the scene. They will already have done this to some extent by setting limits ahead of time in most cases but to then be actively controlling pace throughout is to me entirely inauthentic. This doesn't mean common sense goes out the window and the sub can't say when their hand has gone numb or they're feeling unwell, it just means they can't control the duration or intensity of a torment, they have pre-agreed to the dom controlling that, to him or her judging their limit not them. This of course requires massive trust and respect for the dom's ability to push them safely but not dangerously.

Another big reason for removing safewords is that if the sub knows they are not able to call a halt or tone down any tortuous activity at any point they chose, then they have the keys to REAL "subspace". This phrase seemed to be one of the most contentious in my original Fetlife post with many people disputing my asserting an absense of safewords was essential for this, so I think it's worth defining what I call subspace as I now realise the definition is very subjective.

So when a sub enters MY version of subspace during a session with me, which by the way will only happen after a considerable amount of endorphin coaxing, they very visibly change. Their body just relaxes and they stop responding to or resisting whatever I'm doing to them. Post-session chat reveals they were in a place of total surrender and serenity, an altered state close to ecstasy. It may or may not last very long, but the imprint on them is always profound. I'm always slightly envious, I never got there in my subbing days, my desire to control being far too strong, but I'm happy I was able to take them there, and they're always keen to return.

I personally don't believe it's possible for a sub to get to this altered state if they know they're in control by having safewords at their disposal. Perhaps this statement is a bit too absolute as it doesn't allow for subs who will never safeword (more on these below) but hopefully you get the point. Your opinion on this may differ, but remember I'm speaking from MY experience.

I don't consider subspace essential to my play and indeed some people such as me will just never get there, but if you can give someone that sublime experience, why wouldn't you? The paradox of my kind of play is that generally the sub has the best time, don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoy my sadism but there's never any doubt the sub took the win.

Finally, the belief that safewords guarantee safety is plain incorrect. There are plenty of subs around who have iron wills and take a pride in never using one even if they're permitted, also newbies will often be determined not to use one in order to be taken seriously in a world which can often be dismissive of them.

Both these can lead to a very dangerous situation where the dom(me) totally relies on the sub to limit the action since they know safewords are in play. They may therefore neglect their responsibilty to be ever mindful of dangerous situations developing and hence fail to spot when they are.

I prefer to know the responsibility for safety is entirely mine, as such I'm constantly checking in with the sub and checking restraints for signs of problems. This is what I mean by the sub having to rely on MY experience to govern the session not THEIR safewords - not only do I get to judge from their reaction where they are in their particular limit range, but also I'm the one making sure they're safe. If someone is literally placing their life in your hands it's a pretty huge compliment and not too much to ask that you look after them.

The iron-willed sub or newbie desperate to impress can also enable real predatory doms to deliberately exploit the situation. I know a sub girl who aged 19 consented to an all day session in a London Dungeon with two much older doms, a male and female tag team, who she told me were "very experienced". She was quite new to the scene but surprisingly hardcore and so desperate to be taken seriously she would NEVER EVER safeword, they'd both played with her before so knew that very well. The doms were in my view utterly dangerous cunts who used the opportunity to indulge their worst sadistic fantasies on someone who'd let them get away with it. She was heavily whipped, shock-collared (which can be fatal), made to sandpaper herself, waterboarded with piss and filmed being made to eat shit from a dog bowl. In the disturbing footage she showed me she was constantly in tears. The doms then got the pin to her phone off her and posted the naked shit-eating video on her Instagram account. Finally upon leaving they locked a hefty metal collar on her neck and made her swallow the key, so she couldn't remove it for a couple of days and had to skip work until it reappeared in her toilet. When I asked her why on earth she had let this happen, or not gone to the Police afterwards she just said she could have safeworded, the option was there, except I knew, as did the two verminous cunts that she would never use it. This was total disgusting abuse in my view and was actually ENABLED by the supposed availabilty of a safeword.

So there's my view for what it's worth. In a world where counter opinions to the accepted dogma (such as those currently in the mainstream LGBTQ+ community) are routinely and angrily suppressed I think it's important that alternative opinions still have a voice, while they can, hence posting this here as well as on Fetlife.

I'm not stupid enough to allow comments on it, even though that does sadly suppress supporting opinion as much as it does the ability of the pronoun-waving woke to attempt to shout it down with their usual abuse and bullying tactics.

As the great Elon would say, my message to you if you'd like to see this post removed is simple - "Go fuck yourself!"

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